Eating of plastic is a blog by a lovely little lady named Kelly whom I genuinely love to see pop up now and then on WordPress. She’s funny, interesting, spot on with outstanding illustrations of the trials and traumas that follow her through life and even though I feel her pain and sympathise; the drawings make me properly belly-laugh.
Anyway, Kelly kindly nominated me for something called a Liebster Award which I’m supposed to accept and nominate others for by means of answering questions, creating a set of my own and naming five other bloggers worthy of the award after me.
Trouble is I’m a lazy bitch and like to skip out and cut corners wherever possible so here’s what I’ll do instead.
- Kindly accept the award and thank said little lady herself. Thank you little lady.
- Answer the questions she took the time and trouble to answer.
- Post a set of questions which she or anyone else with an overwhelming desire to do so can answer at leisure
- Sign off with a favourite from our family photo album.
Why did you start this blog?
Sheer boredom I think is what started it off… Continued bouts of boredom and / or childishness and time I have to kill sort of keeps it going here and there.
Candy or cake?
For building houses I’d have to say neither. Try Weetabix. That shit will stick stuff harder, faster and for longer than industrial strength “No More Nails”
Who’s your hero?
My husband Mark. He’s genuinely the most amazing person I’ve ever been fortunate enough to know let alone manage to bag as my husband but God knows what he did that for. Stupid git.
What’s your biggest fear?
That when I die and have to answer for all the bad stuff I’ve done, every person I’ve ever lied to, hurt or betrayed will be sat in a large circle and I’ll have nowhere to hide and everyone will know what I did to them and each other whilst I stand there squirming and sobbing and praying for death all over again. I know it’s gonna come one way or another but I’m trying to make up and right all the wrongs whilst I’m still here so God and everyone else upstairs might have chance to cool off a bit.
Do you consider yourself a nerd or a kool kid?
Bit of both. Nerdy in that I love really boring, inane stuff and can end up immersed completely in some massive and incredibly boring piece of legislation but Kool just because of reasons. You’re not the boss of me.
Winter or Summer?
Oooh both! If I had to pick one over the other I’d go with summer. Summer means hazy days, river walks, meadows full of flowers and hours spent with the mental dogs and horses cos they’re better than people.
Are you addicted to any TV show?
Nope. Could quite easily live without a TV actually.
What’s your favorite place in the world?
The woods close to where I live. I’d die if ever I had to live in the city and couldn’t see green fields dotted with sheep and cows from my own house.
Name 5 things you like.
My husband. My children. My dogs / horses. Music. People that rip their own tits off in a temper over absolutely nothing.
Instagram or Vine?
I do beg pardon did you say you’re selling drugs for charity? Terrible idea.
I’m returning the nomination back to lil lady Kelly cos that gives you two lots of awards. Yay! Whether or not you choose to answer this lot of questions is entirely your shout.
How come alien spacecraft need brightly coloured flashing lights and loud noises to land on Earth when they already mastered time travel and defied the laws of physics to get here?
Write the wording for your own headstone when you’re up for long-term occupancy in Boot-hill Cemetery.
Would you say Buford T Justice really did or didn’t need that Diablo sammich and docta peppa as quickly as he claimed?
Pick a theme tune for Great Aunty-Ethel after the doctors appointment which didn’t work out well for her. It will play whenever she moves around regardless of the situation or circumstance so choose well.
Is your preferred choice of company / colleague or friend male or female?
What in the name of God’s jolly asshole is the point of Paris Hilton?
What’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever heard, seen or experienced in your life?
Which creature did God throw together in a hurry and really shouldn’t have bothered with?
A fact about you that’s boring but also interesting.
If Tom buys five apples but only eats three, what the hell did he buy five apples for?
My brothers being hilarious whilst I look on and laugh at their crazy shenanigans…
Oh how we laugh!
Puddi pics (now 7 months old) taken by my 17yr old daughter Hannah.
We’ve come a long way these last five months or so and gone from having a dog that detested rain and jumped over puddles to one that’s become a water fiend / swims like an Olympic champion and roams woods and dense forests to find muddy swamps she can dig in and generally get as shit up as physically possible.
Not posted anything for a while because Puddi is keeping me busier than a demon with a long “To Do” list.
On the plus side; she’s made friends with Cass (Springer Spaniel I have on a sort of “dog-share” with my brother) and mastered a range of new skills and tricks including the basics in paw shaking, rolling over, tidying toys away on cue and is just getting started with initial training in balancing stuff on her head. Won’t pretend the balancing tricks are for anything other than my own amusement because that’s what it is but on the upside; Puddi is quite happily going along with it.
When she’s not focused and herding / working hard; she’s barking at snails, going mad at the lady signing for the deaf on TV or rolling on pine cones and hair brushes.
Everyone needs a bit of downtime I suppose. It’s just that hers happens to be a particularly odd form of downtime.
Don’t judge her. She’s just a pup.
OK so almost two months in and we’re finally seeing progress. Probably made a lot of progress much earlier on in comparison but I only really felt like we had this last week or so.
Some people scoffed when they saw me with this bundle of fluff I wasn’t going to use a whistle or clicker with for obedience and basic groundwork because “You’ll have your hands full there love… give it time but I think you might be punching above your weight”
I get what they meant but have always thought the idea of having to rely on whistles and clickers just to get your dog to come back to you a bit bizarre. What if you don’t have the whistle and it’s sprinting off in the opposite direction towards certain death? *Same applies with horses but I was a a practically feral council house kid and learned to ride on barely broken knacker horses with a pitiful looking head collar and a couple of frayed ropes. If you’ve never had it you don’t miss it.
Anyway my only aid for Puddi was an extension lead which I’d let her go with until she started stopping on command before maxing the lead out. Took a bit and was exhausting and frustrating but when she was stopping the second I said “Wait” or whistled, I figured she was good to come off altogether (quiet country lanes and private roads / fields) and see how it went.
Letting her off the lead actually seemed to improve things and she’d not only come straight back when called but would routinely stop and wait for me to catch up without being told.
Now and again she’s tried her luck and started heading off away from me when called but I deliberately walk off in the opposite direction and when she’s realised, has gone all “Shit!! Hey hang on – wait I’m coming!!” and legged it straight back.
Knew I was doing something right when in the space of this last week, I had two – TWO farmers – remark on how well trained Puddi was and how surprised they were to hear she isn’t going to be a working dog. One was sat parked up in his Land Rover and had seen us from a distance with Puddi trotting along and stopping intermittently to wait until told she could go on again. I didn’t realise he was there until he popped his head out and asked if I was training her for work.
“Aye?? A family dog?? Tell you what love, you’re doing a bloody good job for someone that’s not had collies before like.. aye y’are that. Cracking little dog it is”
A farmer saying that is a win of the century.
Did wonder what on Earth he saw that I didn’t because as he said this, Puddi was jumping and bouncing all over his trailer trying to eat the remains of sheep shit but he seemed to see something in her and told me to bring her to his farm and put her in with the sheep.
She barks at the horses and cows but to be fair, they must seem enormous to a small puppy. As we’re now in lambing season, I’ve deliberately kept her away from the sheep because don’t want them being stressed out when they’re due to lamb any day. With brilliant white fluffy things dotted around the fields, the farmer assured me now was the best time to introduce her to sheep and hopefully, curb any unwanted or aggressive tendencies.
It was as though someone had flicked a switch and one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. I know she’s a collie and will have that natural instinct but seeing it kick in was something else.
Down into super sneaky stealth mode straight away and round the outside she started creeping making the sheep move over and huddle together. Then she went round the other side and did the same. When they were in a bottleneck formation and started to get skittish and run off, she was quick on their heels and right behind them but not in an aggressive way at all.
Really wish I could have recorded her doing it but was too busy watching to make sure she didn’t set off and start trying to eat little fluffy lambs but it was like she’d been doing this since 1942.
Then a leaf blew past her and she chased that round for at least four minutes but that’s besides the point… ignore that.
She’d just rounded up sheep at the tender age of four months.
She’s still quite clumsy and moves awkwardly at times / can’t seem to judge distances or jump from low heights without making a real cock-arse job of it but that could be because she’s still a puppy. Could be that she’s just not one that’s made for speed and agility either – doesn’t matter either way.
In other news she barks at polystyrene and “For Sale” signs a lot at the minute. Rogue plastic carrier bags are another cause of panic and barking but we’re working on it.
First thing in the morning, she’s docile, placid and loves to be mard-arsed and cuddled until mental mode kicks in again.
She sleeps on her back with legs stuck up in the air and all over the place. When she wakes, she does a proper full-on person type morning stretch and gains a good 2ft in length right there.
She’s not at all keen on getting wet and muddy and doesn’t like brooks, streams, rivers or puddles. That means we cross a lot of brooks, streams, rivers and puddles.
More bulletins as events warrant…
PS. The psychology of border collies is something I need to learn more about and read up on. It fascinates me how and why she does some of the things she does but I cannot suss what’s going on upstairs. All being well, the nice people at Amazon will have a couple of books for me next week but if anyone has a specific book they recommend – feel free to let me know.