T’is the week before Christmas and all through the house, Hannah rolls out the apeshit..
It’s traditional and marks the start of Christmas where you are not allowed to breathe, move, sit or allow your hands to touch a single solitary surface at any time between now and Christmas morning
“There cannot be any sign of LIVING in this house!!!”
“What the fu – WHO TOUCHED THE GLASS ON THESE DOORS? THERE’S BIG DIRTY BASTARD MARKS LOOK ONE, TWO – FIVE!
FIVE PANELS WITH FAT THUMBS WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE DOOR HANDLES???“
Me sloping off quietly to draw a big giant dick on the living room window. Little Christmas surprise when the heating comes and it appears like a magical mystical wonder.
With this year being a different Christmas to the usual and a lot of people either tasked with making dinner for the first time or with limited space, spends and having no prior experience of cooking, thought I’d share some hints, tips and ideas on how to do all that stuff and make it look good without doing a thing.
By that I don’t mean like those “Easy simple recipes” you find online that have a long list of ingredients only found in Waitrose or wherever. I’m talking easy as in “Get everything from Aldi in one shop, chuck it all in together and tip it out onto a plate – job done” easy
Not sure what God put me on this Earth for but I know it wasn’t to cook, bake, clean or be a domestic goddess.
When you have children there’s an expectation that you will feed them and that sort of thing so that’s the only reason I can at least cook a simple hot meal.
So for anyone that could use help – here’s how to blag it.
Mulled Wine x 2 (Aldi and Lidl do really decent bottles)
150 ml of brandy
Sliced oranges and lemons
Cinnamon sticks x 2
Shove the lot in a slow cooker, set to low heat and leave.
That is all.
House will smell like Christmas and you can pretend it took ages to brew and is a secret family recipe you are never allowed to share with another living soul.
If you want to really have yourself on serve in heat proof glasses and shove an orange wedge or some fancy shit to make it look pretty. You could serve with an extra cinnamon stick in the glass to try and look fancy but it’s a pain in the arse and just gets in the way. Bit like cocktail umbrellas. I mean really, what is the point?
LAZY BITCH GUIDE TO CHRISTMAS DINNER
HIGH WELFARE TURKEY
*BEEF ROASTING JOINT
ONIONS, CARROTS, PARSNIPS AND ROASTING VEG
FRESH ROSEMARY, BAY AND SAGE
*Optional whatever floats your boat
Prep can done Christmas Eve in 10-15 mins and left ready to shove in oven first thing Christmas morning
Get gross giblets out from turkey’s arse
Tip giblets into large aluminium roasting tray
Wash, roughly chop veg and chuck it in tray
Use the chopped veg as a trivet you can rest turkey on
Shove half sliced clementine back up turkey’s arse
Shove a few sprigs and leaves of bay, rosemary and sage in there too.
Suffocate and violate turkey with lashings of butter all over
Salt and pepper
Carefully put turkey on top of veg trivet, cover with foil and leave
Roast beef joint or ham if you have one. Leave to reach room temp at least an hour before you cook it.
Put into slow cooker and tip in any juices and blood which is gross but it makes the difference to whoever is gonna be eating it
Very small bit of boiling water poured over it to seal
Salt, pepper, mixed herbs then shove lid on, set to low heat and leave overnight
When you wake up Christmas day the house will already smell ace from the roasting joint you’ve left on low heat all night. Don’t take off the lid or touch it just let it do its stuff for 18-24hrs depending on its size
If you go for streaky bacon with Christmas turkey, line and overlap on top of turkey then recover well with foil.
Shove into oven at 180 for two hours. That gives you two hours to doss in PJ’s, open presents, go to Church, walk the dogs – whatever you want to do.
After 2hrs, uncover and baste well with juices then recover and for another 30-45 mins
Check, baste again and depending on size, remove foil and put back in to brown
After another 15 mins or when it’s cooked through, set aside, cover with two lots of foil and leave with a towel or kitchen tea cloth over the top.
Leave it resting for two hours. It won’t go cold and leaving it to rest means it will retain its moisture evenly. I know the thing is always to take out the turkey from the oven and produce it straight away but that’s when you end up with parts dry as a camel’s flip flop.
That leaves you with another two hours to do whatever you like but I make the gravy and do other prep to get it out the way.
TURKEY GRAVY (10 mins)
Once turkey is set aside to rest, use the juices and everything in the foil tray to make the best gravy on Earth.
Put tray – entire tray on the hob on low heat. Scrape any bits stuck to the bottom of the tray gently and get it all mixed in well.
Add two tablespoons of flour (sieve first to get rid of lumps and clumps) and stir gently
Bring it to the boil then when thick enough pour it all into a large pan through a colander. Squash and squish the veg and giblets really well so you get all the juices
Throw the remaining mush, giblets and gross stuff – tray as well if you want.
Turn pan to low heat, add 50-100mls of port and stir gently for a few minutes then turn off heat, cover with lid and leave until you’re read to eat. When you are just stick it back on low heat for a few minutes again and voilà
It usually makes a good 500mls at least so whatever you don’t use up just pour into a jug, leave to cool at room temp and then stick in the fridge
ROASTIES 10-15 mins
King Edward Potatoes.
4-5 bulbs of garlic
Fresh rosemary and sage
Olive oil / good chunk of butter if you want
Peel and chop potatoes then parboil in a pan of salted water for about 10 mins
Drain and shake / rough up in colander so they’re a bit battered looking
Peel long strips of orange and throw into foil tray
Crush garlic (don’t peel just smash) and throw in
Chuck in cloves, herbs, good coating of olive oil and fry on the hob to get and all the flavours mixed together – just a few minutes will do
Tip spuds into the tray, give them a good shake
Stick into oven for about 30 mins, take out and shake again with the butter if you want, shove back in oven for last ten minutes or until they’re golden brown and crispy
To save washing up and piss-farting around you can also throw in any pigs in blankets or whatever else in the same tray
Whatever else you have left just cover with foil, leave to cool naturally on the side then stick I the fridge to keep picking at and grazing every time you go in the kitchen which I think we all do.
DOGGO’S CHRISTMAS DINNER
Turkey sliced – white meat thinly cut
Couple of sprouts, 2 spoons of carrots and parsnip
Chipolota sausage cut up and mashed
Couple of roasties cut up and mashed
As a one off treat it won’t do them any harm and if you make a very weak, watered down cup of gravy (instant granules with low salt) it makes the food moist and easier to eat.
I strongly recommend you feed them as normal in the morning and make the Christmas dinner a smaller treat to have during the day – don’t pile up a giant bowl of food or you’ll upset their stomachs and have them shitting through the eye of a needle
It’s too rich and heavy so make their Christmas dinner a little treat to have when you all sit down to eat
Be careful your kids aren’t sneaking the dogs the odd extra bit of turkey or whatever it’s tempting for them to do without realising it’ll make them ill
I’m precious and piss and moan about this ever year but if you are leaving out reindeer food, please don’t use and scatter pre-packaged stuff containing glitter.
To make your own just take a few handfuls of oats, throw in a small handful of dried berries to give it some colour then shake it all up and scatter outside
Wildlife such as hedgehogs and birds will hoover it all up and love it but glitter and other crap that’s in there will kill them 😦
Plain oats, packet of dried berries or nuts – job done.
Last but by no means least –
If you haven’t already, save your vet out of hours and emergency contact details to your phone in case any of your four legged family member ends up ear deep in chocolate, cake or devours a whole turkey.
Christmas day is one of the busiest days for A&E and cardiac admissions and it’s also a busy one for out of hours emergency vet clinics too.
My old boss and good friend Sue is married to a Police Sgt dog handler and spent her entire Christmas day at the vets one year after their GSD nicked and ate the turkey, giblets, full bowl of prepped uncooked spouts and they later discovered – tinsel.
“Everyone keeps asking how Christmas was and I have to say mine was spent watching and waiting for Jen to shit out shiny tinsel and giblets… It’s just embarrassing for everyone really” 😂
Whatever you’re doing, however you’re spending Christmas this year and whoever you’re spending it with – be safe, be sensible and be happy 🙂
I’m half tempted to do a video tutorial for the benefit of showing just how undomesticated I am and so people can appreciate the love and care given to shoving things up a turkey’s arse.
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