T’is the week before Christmas…

T’is the week before Christmas and all through the house, Hannah rolls out the apeshit..

It’s traditional and marks the start of Christmas where you are not allowed to breathe, move, sit or allow your hands to touch a single solitary surface at any time between now and Christmas morning

“There cannot be any sign of LIVING in this house!!!”

“What the fu – WHO TOUCHED THE GLASS ON THESE DOORS? THERE’S BIG DIRTY BASTARD MARKS LOOK ONE, TWO – FIVE!

FIVE PANELS WITH FAT THUMBS WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE DOOR HANDLES???“

Me sloping off quietly to draw a big giant dick on the living room window. Little Christmas surprise when the heating comes and it appears like a magical mystical wonder.

With this year being a different Christmas to the usual and a lot of people either tasked with making dinner for the first time or with limited space, spends and having no prior experience of cooking, thought I’d share some hints, tips and ideas on how to do all that stuff and make it look good without doing a thing.

By that I don’t mean like those “Easy simple recipes” you find online that have a long list of ingredients only found in Waitrose or wherever. I’m talking easy as in “Get everything from Aldi in one shop, chuck it all in together and tip it out onto a plate – job done” easy

Not sure what God put me on this Earth for but I know it wasn’t to cook, bake, clean or be a domestic goddess.

When you have children there’s an expectation that you will feed them and that sort of thing so that’s the only reason I can at least cook a simple hot meal.

So for anyone that could use help – here’s how to blag it.

MULLED WINE

Mulled Wine x 2 (Aldi and Lidl do really decent bottles)
150 ml of brandy
Sliced oranges and lemons
Cinnamon sticks x 2

Shove the lot in a slow cooker, set to low heat and leave.

That is all.

House will smell like Christmas and you can pretend it took ages to brew and is a secret family recipe you are never allowed to share with another living soul.

If you want to really have yourself on serve in heat proof glasses and shove an orange wedge or some fancy shit to make it look pretty. You could serve with an extra cinnamon stick in the glass to try and look fancy but it’s a pain in the arse and just gets in the way. Bit like cocktail umbrellas. I mean really, what is the point?

LAZY BITCH GUIDE TO CHRISTMAS DINNER

HIGH WELFARE TURKEY
*BACON RASHERS
*BEEF ROASTING JOINT
ONIONS, CARROTS, PARSNIPS AND ROASTING VEG
CELERY
CLEMENTINES
FRESH ROSEMARY, BAY AND SAGE
BUTTER

*Optional whatever floats your boat

Prep can done Christmas Eve in 10-15 mins and left ready to shove in oven first thing Christmas morning

Get gross giblets out from turkey’s arse
Tip giblets into large aluminium roasting tray
Wash, roughly chop veg and chuck it in tray
Use the chopped veg as a trivet you can rest turkey on
Shove half sliced clementine back up turkey’s arse
Shove a few sprigs and leaves of bay, rosemary and sage in there too.
Suffocate and violate turkey with lashings of butter all over
Salt and pepper
Carefully put turkey on top of veg trivet, cover with foil and leave

Roast beef joint or ham if you have one. Leave to reach room temp at least an hour before you cook it.

Put into slow cooker and tip in any juices and blood which is gross but it makes the difference to whoever is gonna be eating it

Very small bit of boiling water poured over it to seal

Salt, pepper, mixed herbs then shove lid on, set to low heat and leave overnight

CHRISTMAS MORNING

When you wake up Christmas day the house will already smell ace from the roasting joint you’ve left on low heat all night. Don’t take off the lid or touch it just let it do its stuff for 18-24hrs depending on its size

If you go for streaky bacon with Christmas turkey, line and overlap on top of turkey then recover well with foil.

Shove into oven at 180 for two hours. That gives you two hours to doss in PJ’s, open presents, go to Church, walk the dogs – whatever you want to do.

After 2hrs, uncover and baste well with juices then recover and for another 30-45 mins

Check, baste again and depending on size, remove foil and put back in to brown

After another 15 mins or when it’s cooked through, set aside, cover with two lots of foil and leave with a towel or kitchen tea cloth over the top.

Leave it resting for two hours. It won’t go cold and leaving it to rest means it will retain its moisture evenly. I know the thing is always to take out the turkey from the oven and produce it straight away but that’s when you end up with parts dry as a camel’s flip flop.

That leaves you with another two hours to do whatever you like but I make the gravy and do other prep to get it out the way.

TURKEY GRAVY (10 mins)

Once turkey is set aside to rest, use the juices and everything in the foil tray to make the best gravy on Earth.

Put tray – entire tray on the hob on low heat. Scrape any bits stuck to the bottom of the tray gently and get it all mixed in well.

Add two tablespoons of flour (sieve first to get rid of lumps and clumps) and stir gently

Bring it to the boil then when thick enough pour it all into a large pan through a colander. Squash and squish the veg and giblets really well so you get all the juices

Throw the remaining mush, giblets and gross stuff – tray as well if you want.

Turn pan to low heat, add 50-100mls of port and stir gently for a few minutes then turn off heat, cover with lid and leave until you’re read to eat. When you are just stick it back on low heat for a few minutes again and voilà

It usually makes a good 500mls at least so whatever you don’t use up just pour into a jug, leave to cool at room temp and then stick in the fridge

ROASTIES 10-15 mins

King Edward Potatoes.
Oranges
Few cloves
4-5 bulbs of garlic
Fresh rosemary and sage
Olive oil / good chunk of butter if you want

Peel and chop potatoes then parboil in a pan of salted water for about 10 mins

Drain and shake / rough up in colander so they’re a bit battered looking

Peel long strips of orange and throw into foil tray

Crush garlic (don’t peel just smash) and throw in

Chuck in cloves, herbs, good coating of olive oil and fry on the hob to get and all the flavours mixed together – just a few minutes will do

Tip spuds into the tray, give them a good shake

Stick into oven for about 30 mins, take out and shake again with the butter if you want, shove back in oven for last ten minutes or until they’re golden brown and crispy

To save washing up and piss-farting around you can also throw in any pigs in blankets or whatever else in the same tray

Whatever else you have left just cover with foil, leave to cool naturally on the side then stick I the fridge to keep picking at and grazing every time you go in the kitchen which I think we all do.

DOGGO’S CHRISTMAS DINNER

Turkey sliced – white meat thinly cut
Couple of sprouts, 2 spoons of carrots and parsnip
Chipolota sausage cut up and mashed
Couple of roasties cut up and mashed

As a one off treat it won’t do them any harm and if you make a very weak, watered down cup of gravy (instant granules with low salt) it makes the food moist and easier to eat.

I strongly recommend you feed them as normal in the morning and make the Christmas dinner a smaller treat to have during the day – don’t pile up a giant bowl of food or you’ll upset their stomachs and have them shitting through the eye of a needle

It’s too rich and heavy so make their Christmas dinner a little treat to have when you all sit down to eat

Be careful your kids aren’t sneaking the dogs the odd extra bit of turkey or whatever it’s tempting for them to do without realising it’ll make them ill

REINDEER FOOD

I’m precious and piss and moan about this ever year but if you are leaving out reindeer food, please don’t use and scatter pre-packaged stuff containing glitter.

To make your own just take a few handfuls of oats, throw in a small handful of dried berries to give it some colour then shake it all up and scatter outside

Wildlife such as hedgehogs and birds will hoover it all up and love it but glitter and other crap that’s in there will kill them 😦

Plain oats, packet of dried berries or nuts – job done.

Last but by no means least –

If you haven’t already, save your vet out of hours and emergency contact details to your phone in case any of your four legged family member ends up ear deep in chocolate, cake or devours a whole turkey.

Christmas day is one of the busiest days for A&E and cardiac admissions and it’s also a busy one for out of hours emergency vet clinics too.

My old boss and good friend Sue is married to a Police Sgt dog handler and spent her entire Christmas day at the vets one year after their GSD nicked and ate the turkey, giblets, full bowl of prepped uncooked spouts and they later discovered – tinsel.

“Everyone keeps asking how Christmas was and I have to say mine was spent watching and waiting for Jen to shit out shiny tinsel and giblets… It’s just embarrassing for everyone really” 😂

Whatever you’re doing, however you’re spending Christmas this year and whoever you’re spending it with – be safe, be sensible and be happy 🙂

I’m half tempted to do a video tutorial for the benefit of showing just how undomesticated I am and so people can appreciate the love and care given to shoving things up a turkey’s arse.

The Wonderful World of Border Collies – Part 2

An absolute casserole of nonsense.

Fluffeh puppeehhs!

Oh my Lord this came up as a memory from years ago.

Quality is crap and mostly looks like it was filmed on a sewing machine but it’s tiny fluffy puppy Puddi learning her sides in the field using a football, splashing in muddy puddles, doing her urgent tippy toe stamp to tell me it’s raining, rolling on popcorn, pine cones and mushrooms and carrying out her duty to the letter when she was on shoe patrol.

She found every single shoe in that house when we were packing up to move back home including shoes we didn’t even know we had. To this day there’s a pair of brand new unclaimed socks she came back with and none of us had seen before.

The wonderful world of Border Collies

I love the sheer time, care and patience these dogs have for things. This one stealing a bottle of Coke kills me because it has the same careful creeping side eye Puddi had as a puppy when she was in pure arsehole mode and determined to get on my nerves.

Back then she wasn’t allowed inside the kitchen and knew the line was drawn at the physical point where wood floor met ceramic tiles. Most of the time she stood there cos she knew the rules but when she was that way out she would stand there for a bit, then put one paw so it was literally half in and half out.

I could see her out the corner of my eye but carried on chopping veg or whatever I was doing and reckoned not to have noticed which was a similar technique I used with the kids when they were little. Would allow them to take things to a point they knew they’d already broken a rule but gave them a minute or so to decide if they should quit while ahead or try pushing it further.

Puddi just didn’t know the meaning of quitting so this one day as I chopped veg and made tea pretending not to notice, in came the paw. The half in – half out lingered a moment but because it go no reaction, in came the whole paw.

Then came the second paw with her head peering round the side of the wall looking and no doubt expecting me to suddenly see and tell her off. Nothing.

So in came the third then after what felt like an eternity she moved that last one and all four paws were now on the kitchen tiles. OFFICIAL REBEL

Me casually without even glancing her way “Out you go”

She stood there momentarily, casually started backing up, scanned her immediate surroundings and did the old “Yeah well I’m going anyway… don’t wanna be in your shit kitchen BUT I’M HAVING THIS SO SCREW YOU BITCH!!!!”

The nearest thing happened to be a used train ticket that had fallen next to the bin so she grabbed that and legged it feeling thoroughly pleased and satisfied I’d been one-upped.

This was what we went through all day every day until she was about a year old.

And another…

Irishman puts the FUN into FUNERAL

Have long since believed there is a huge gap in the market for inappropriate funerals and this is maybe the only thing I’ve seen to date that offers proof were it needed there are others out there like just like me. I’m not alone

When the camera panned down into the coffin as he burst back into song with “Hello hello!! Let me out!!” I laughed so hard it woke up the dogs in the other room.

Would love to know more about this man, who he was, how he came to end up in that there box. I’m gonna need to go off in search of more info now it’s not enough to just watch this and carry on without making any attempt to find out who he is and give due credit not just to him but his family and friends for seeing him right and honouring his last wishes.

HEY. HEY LET ME OUT. I’M IN THE BOX

HELLO HELLO!!!

Today in the White House

Feast your literal actual human eyeballs on this…

I have only ever seen two such rare but magnificent beasts.

First one was Fleet. The genuine article and certified fat loaf of bread.

Second one is this. Just look at the size of this big bad lad. He is an absolute unit.

And that dorsal fin. His dorsal fin is a 6ft Sorting Hat gently, slowly cruising and slicing through that water “Hmmmm.. Difficult… Very difficult”

Puddi poses that make her look “Good Lord…Look at me” and portray the real hardships she endured during her Gap Yah

And my favourite one. Taken when she was literally in Burma (right before she CHUNDERED EVERYWHERE!!!)

Fleet found something

This dog is the spit of Fleet – face is identical. If it had more black to the body and a fuller, fluffy white mane I’d have to do more than double take. Even has the same getting up too soon and lying down again… edging up, powers down, edging up, powers down.

The best dog in the world at playing “Grandma’s Footsteps” when you turn he’s stock still already. Don’t even see him come to a stop either no matter how quickly you turn he looks like someone already hit pause.

When we first met him the farmer gave us first refusal despite several people on the agility circuit having offered more to buy him than Robin was asking for which I really think is to his credit. He didn’t feel he had the right temperament and nature to cope well with the environment of fiercely competitive dog sports (he was right) and said he felt we’d be better suited.

The day we picked Fleet up he got slightly choked bless him “He’s no use to me but I’m pleased for him, I am honest. He’s a grand little dog and he deserves to have a nice life”

Saddest thing is if he had sold him to the agility people, he’d never have been able to compete anyway because of the dodgy front leg so by now, would probably have been sold on again which would have ruined the poor lad 😦

What he lacks in athleticism and sheep sense he makes up for in spades with his intense finding skills. Jesus H he’s incredible. I used to think Cass was the best finder in the world but Fleet takes the Gold. He can smell a cat sat up on a wall literally 20-30ft away and picks up on it immediately then runs up and down the scent line getting frustrated cos he’s technically reached the tip of his cone but still can’t find what he’s looking for. Cat sat up there watching him and looking at me “You gonna do something about this?” When he starts weaving back and forth and tail wagging there’s something somewhere.

When the binmen have collected and left everyone’s wheelie bins lined up at the end of the road, we know from a distance which is ours cos Fleet runs up and starts happy tail wagging and shimmying around it. We don’t smell like bins or at least I hope not but rather he can smell home on them.

If Hannah’s boyfriend comes over whilst I’m out with the dogs, the literal second I open the front door Fleet start shimmying and follows wherever Eli has been. If he’s gone straight upstairs – Fleet thunders straight upstairs. If he’s been in the kitchen and made a brew first, Fleet goes in there to check first and then follows the scent of his every footstep.

Same with the car no matter how packed out a car park is, how many other cars might be identical or whether it’s parked in a different spot he always goes straight up, sniffs the driver side door, wags his tail and does his “big boi sit” waiting for you to catch up.

Can’t wait to get out the Ghillie suit and play hide and seek in the woods this Christmas 😀

Anyway we currently have flood barriers installed on our road and the Environment Agency have two guys 24hrs to oversee and in the event of the river bursting its banks, kicking in extra defence measures / pumping out the excess water etc.

They had to provide a portaloo for staff being here round the clock and last night I went out late with the dogs – pitch black in pouring rain and within just feet of leaving the house, Fleet veered left suddenly and started weaving and tracking. Me thinking it was another hedgehog gave him a sharp “Fleety get back here!!!” (Has sussed how to get his snout underneath and flip the poor sods over) but he threw me a deaf one and kept going towards the bottom making me realise there was something else other than a hedgehog. He is the goodest boi of all the good bois and never ignores you so when he does, it’s usually for good reason.

His scent ended at the lone portaloo and he stood stock still, head down right outside the door tail wagging slightly giving a definite indicator of something. Didn’t realise it was even the portaloo until I shone the torch and then heard a muffled voice “Hiya love… is your dog friendly? I’m a bit nervous of sheepdogs”

“Oh my God sorry!! Yeah they’re friendly honest I think he was more concerned in case you were in trouble. Here I’ll get them both moved but for reference whilst you’re manning the station, they’re both really friendly and won’t do you any harm I promise”

“K thanks…”

Couldn’t stop laughing. 😂  Poor guy couldn’t even use the loo in peace.

“Leedy – there’s a hedgehog hidden inside one of these Portaloos. You have only ten seconds to correctly find which one and –

Fleet – “FOUND IT”

Cats being fair dinkum ferocious

Can’t stop laughing at the fat ginger cat taking a full Jedi strike

Theme Park Soundtrack

Sam has now made friends and has back and forth with folk from all over the world now he’s a fluffy fledged games designer / audio creator nerd (one of his tutors worked on every Lego movie how cool is that?!)

He has an ace soundboard with the most amazing samples. Would barricade myself in there for days if he didn’t need to get in there and do some actual work.

I’m more about the music than games but heard some bad-ass really gritty, industrial sounding stuff coming from his room and kind of floated in like a Holy being 😮 😮 😮

“Sam? The fuck is this shit you’re listening to? Sounds absolutely tremendous”

Turned out one of the audio guys works for a company IMAscore who amongst many other things wrote the music for Alton Towers theme park rides. The full soundtrack is brilliant but this from The Smiler is the one that lured me into Sam’s room.

Not for everyone and I think for most this is the stuff of nightmares and full blown sleep paralysis terror but oh God I love that big deep beefy bass it’s superb.

Gets old when you work at the park and / or are queuing for a long time hearing “HA-HA-HA.. HA-HA-HA…-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA” but in a three minute burst and for anyone having an indoor Halloween party it sounds the tits.

Wicker Man is great too I love the drums